At the Satir foundations in Cape Town this week, we were talking about choice, and I was reminded of a story about the pots in my house.

I do most of the cooking, and my partner needs to do the cleaning afterwards, but he would often leave the pots for 'later' and then forget about them. I would find them later that evening, or in the morning, or the next day, when I was going to cook, and be really pissed off because now I had to wash the pots.

I nagged him, which was ineffective. I tried sharing my feelings — when the pots aren't done, I feel like I don't matter — and that helped, for a while. And then the cycle would begin again.

So I decided to choose differently: if I wanted the pots cleaned every night, I needed to do it.

I didn't give up, and I know that I matter to him. I chose differently because I could see the pattern clearly: my partner forgets, I feel unseen, I get angry, nothing changes. And I didn't want to keep living inside that loop.

So I changed my relationship to the situation. I still remind him about the kitchen and the dishwasher. But the pots? I just do them. Because I chose to.

And that word — chose — changed everything.

There is a profound difference between doing something because you feel you have to, and doing it because you choose to. Or doing it because no one else is going to.

When we act out of obligation, resentment begins to bubble quietly. We say yes, but our yes/no medallion is clearly a no, so we feel like we are betraying ourselves. We feel like our needs aren’t being met and that we don’t matter, and we gradually become more entrenched in our own thinking and our own story. This is a recipe for an eruption, and these are the small things that, over time, can erode otherwise healthy relationships.

But when we choose — really choose — something shifts internally. And everything changes. The pots still get cleaned. But I am not a martyr standing at the sink. I am someone who decided.

This is what Virginia meant when she said life happens from us, not to us.

Let's look at this from the perspective of the iceberg.

I'll go up instead of down this time.
I start at the Self-I-Am — that sacred life force at the core of who I am. When she is rooted in high self-esteem, she feels loved, valued, and enough. But in this story, she starts from a place of low self-esteem because she has an unmet yearning: to feel seen and appreciated.

From there, my expectation is that my partner should wash the pots. If he loves me, if I matter to him, he will remember. My perception: when he doesn't, it means I don't matter enough. My feelings: sadness, hurt, disappointment. And my behaviour: nagging, passive aggression. None of which is lovely.

When I choose, everything shifts. I update the story - not "he doesn't love me" but "he forgets, because he is human, and this simply isn't as important to him as it is to me." My expectation changes. My feelings move from resentment to something quieter, more accepting. The nagging stops. There is more harmony. And I no longer feel like the nagging wife.

When I choose all of that shifts, it shifts from obligation to authorship

It moves us from waiting for someone else to change to owning our own power and knowing our own value.

Here is something I find people sometimes resist: we always have choice.

Not always good choices. Not always easy ones. Not always the ones we want. But choice is always present, even if the only thing we can choose is our internal relationship to what is happening.

When Virginia said that change is always possible, even if only internal. I think this is exactly what she meant. When we feel completely stuck — when nothing around us will move — we can still choose how we hold the situation. We can choose our meaning. We can choose our response. We can choose to stay or to go, to speak or to be still, to accept or to grieve.

Often, we can even expand the choices available to us. When I stopped waiting for the pot situation to resolve itself, I could suddenly see options I hadn't noticed before: do them myself, have a deeper conversation, let it go entirely, renegotiate the whole kitchen arrangement. The stuck feeling had been narrowing my vision. Choice opened it back up.

And crucially, choosing is not the same as being okay with everything. I still wanted the pots done. The choice didn't erase my preference. It freed me from the resentment cycle. It kept me in my power because I wasn’t waiting for someone else to be different.

When we give up our choice, we give up our power.

And that is everything.

Think of something in your life right now that feels like an obligation — something you are doing (or not doing) because you feel you have to.

Sit with it for a moment. Notice what it feels like in your body.

Now ask yourself:

You don't have to change anything today. Just notice what it feels like to bring choice back into the frame.

In teams and organisations, the language of obligation is everywhere. We have to hit this target. We have to follow this process. We have to keep this client happy.

And sometimes those things are true. But often, what sounds like a constraint is actually a choice that hasn't been examined — a habit, an assumption, a rule inherited from a previous version of the organisation that no one has questioned.

When leaders start operating from choice rather than obligation, something changes in the room. Their energy shifts. Their language shifts. And their teams begin to feel the difference between a leader who is complying and a leader who is committed.

Some questions worth exploring with your team:

And for yourself as a leader:

South Africa

Resources For Change Foundations -It happened on 14 March, and it was great. Email if you want to be part of the next one, Joburg or Cape Town
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop - If you want to discover new possibilities for your communication or your team communication, get in touch.
Peace Within is a 6-day retreat in Kruger for those ready to author their lives, a space to pause, reconnect with themselves, and gently step into what’s next.

USA
Leadership Development Workshop - Chapel Hill (NC): July 27 - 29 (Scholarships available)
Satir Intensive - I will apprentice at the Satir Intensive in Chapel Hill,17 - 23 July 2026 (scholarships available)

Online
Leadership Consulting Group - Online Starts Jan 2026 - We are still accepting new members.
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop: Get in touch for you or your team.

Feel free to share this with those who would benefit.

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Until next time, with love and hugs