Whatever you percieve is what you believe. Your world is the outcome of what you percieve.
An ex-colleague of mine used to say that I was a 12 out of 10 on the autonomy scale. I think that was very true. Growing up, it felt like everyone was always telling me what to do and how to do it, and it didn’t feel like there was a lot of space for me and my feelings or ideas or self. Now I imagine that at 2 years old, it must have been quite a thing for my parents to handle a feisty 2-year-old just wanting to be her own person in all kinds of ways that might not have fit them, the time, or the context. What stuck for me was that people in authority and position had all the power and the agency, and that I needed to fight with or avoid or push back on authority, or I would be trapped in someone else’s ways of being, and there would be no space for me. In some contexts, that might be needed; in some organisations, decisions are made at the top, and people need to follow orders. I can’t work in those places. As an adult, I have been unreasonable in certain situations where the rules tickled my autonomy part in a way that left me pushing back and feeling trapped but not even knowing why.
Other people learn that people in authority create safety and that the more rules there are, the safer they are. Imagine the two of us trying to work together on a team or be in a relationship, where one person needs to impose and create rules to feel safe, and the other person needs as few rules as possible to feel safe.
What I learned about my autonomy part is that it was really protecting me from the not-good-enough voice layered underneath. When I see or hear excessive rules, sometimes what I’m hearing is that who I am is not good enough. And so my yearning for acceptance and belonging is triggered, and my 2-year-old or my 5-year-old lashes out by trying to create agency. I push back against the rules ‘just because’, I become destructive and unco-operative, and sometimes I stop listening to what's really there for another person, like their need for structure to make it safe.
Growing up, we all gain deep beliefs about Power, Performance, Pain, Possibility, Pleasure, Plans, Problems and Purpose. Jean McLendon referred to these as the Ps and used them to understand the deep-seated beliefs and perceptions we develop about them as we grow up, like my autonomy muscles or other people’s perfection muscles, and when we walk into a relationship or an organisation or become a parent, we bring them all with us.
The problem is that these beliefs often come with expectations about our own and others' behaviour; sometimes we don’t realise we have these expectations; sometimes they no longer serve us; and sometimes they can get in the way of our connection to ourselves and others.
What we believe about Pain shapes whether we push through or pay attention. What we believe about Power shapes who we think gets to speak, decide, lead. What we believe about Performance shapes whether we feel valuable or just evaluated.
As a coach, I so often hear stories about how people's perfectionism rules impact their lives in myriad ways, and this is the Performance P at work. For some, it's paralysis from not doing things because they need to be perfect, so it's easier not to do anything; for others, it's redoing things over and over and not being satisfied. For some people, it's the perpetual "not good enough muscle" because perfection, let's face it, is impossible.
Where does your Performance P show up?
And so, gaining an awareness of what these are helps us think about and transform them, and create choice for ourselves. Virginia had some very specific beliefs about many of these, which she referred to as the seed model, and she contrasted them with a threat-reward model. She believed that we are all unique manifestations of life force and, as such, have equal value. Valuable because we are born and not because of our achievements or performance or perfectionism, and that power and influence grow through connection, not position. I think many of us grow up with more threat-reward model beliefs than seed model beliefs, but once we start to take ownership of our lives and actions, we create choice when we allow those beliefs to shift. It also gives us a new frame for how we want to be in the world with others.
Understanding other people’s beliefs gives us the opportunity to really see them and to shift our expectations of their behaviour. If we understand how they see the world, it helps us understand why and how they might behave in a certain context. The trick is then to accept them for who they are and not try to change them, because change is an individual choice. The cost of not being aware of these is the persistent friction with a colleague, a friend, a child, a subordinate; it might look like a personality clash, but it could be a clash of unexamined beliefs.
Examination gives the opportunity for growth, connection and choice and the ability to build new muscles for the things we want to change.
🛠️ Embodied Practice: Finding your P’s
Think of a recent moment at work, at home, in a conversation where you felt a flicker of discomfort, resistance or irritation. The urge to push back, or to go very quiet.
Stay with it for a moment.
Now read through these, and notice which one lands with a particular weight, a recognition, or a resistance:
Discomfort is weakness. Strong people push through.
My value depends on what I produce and how well I do it.
People in authority get to decide. My job is to follow.
If I plan carefully enough, things shouldn't go wrong.
Problems mean someone failed. Find who's responsible.
Stability is safety. Change is a threat.
If one of those landed, you've just found one of your P's.
Sit with it for a moment.
Where did you first learn that rule? How old were you? Who was in the room? Was it spoken out loud, or did you just absorb it from what you saw?
You don't need to dismantle it. Just being aware is the beginning. Just notice that you've been running a belief you didn't consciously choose, and that you could.
Markets move. Headlines catastrophize. Inside the noise is the story that matters — the opportunity, not the fear. The Daily Upside: global business and finance, reported without the alarm.
💬 Leadership Application
In teams and organisations, the P's are everywhere underneath the surface of how people behave, what they say, what they don't say, and what they expect from each other and from you.
When a team member shuts down in the face of feedback, that might be a Performance belief - results determine value, and underperformance is not acceptable. When someone pushes back hard against a new process, that might be a Power belief - authority means control, and I won't be controlled. When a team avoids naming a problem directly, that might be a Pain belief - discomfort is weakness, and we don't talk about weakness here.
None of these are personality problems. They are belief systems formed long before this job, this team, this organisation.
As a leader, there are two things worth exploring.
First, your own P's. Which of these beliefs are you carrying into the room, and how are they shaping what you reward, what you avoid, and what you unconsciously signal is acceptable here?
Second, your team's P's. Where is the friction in your team that looks like a personality clash but might be a collision of unexamined beliefs? What would shift if you understood what each person had learned about power, about performance, about what happens when things go wrong?
Some questions worth asking:
Where are we acting from obligation or fear rather than genuine choice?
What beliefs about performance or power are we unconsciously rewarding here?
What would this team look like if we operated from the seed model where value is inherent, problems are information, and influence grows through connection?
You don't have to answer all of these; choose one that fits and work with it or try them all out and see what you learn.
🔛 What’s Coming:
South Africa
Resources For Change Foundations -I’m planning another one in September; get in touch if you are interested.
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop - If you want to discover new possibilities for your communication or your team communication, get in touch.
Peace Within - is a 6-day retreat in Kruger for those ready to author their lives, a space to pause, reconnect with themselves, and gently step into what’s next. (3 spaces left)
Peace Within 2027 is a 6-day retreat in Kruger for those ready to author their lives, a space to pause, reconnect with themselves, and gently step into what’s next. (15 spaces available)
USA
Leadership Development Workshop - Chapel Hill (NC): July 27 - 29 (Scholarships available)
Satir Intensive - I will apprentice at the Satir Intensive in Chapel Hill,17 - 23 July 2026 (scholarships available)
Online
Leadership Consulting Group - Space for new members
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop: Get in touch for you or your team.
📚 Resource Corner
The Satir International Journal is available online with so many amazing articles to share.
Satir Global will be having its online conference in July. I will be presenting a workshop on leadership, beliefs and expectations with the P’s
❤️ Thank you
Feel free to share this with those who would benefit.
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Until next time, with love and hugs
Jo
The best HR advice comes from those in the trenches. That’s what this is: real-world HR insights delivered in a newsletter from Hebba Youssef, a Chief People Officer who’s been there. Practical, real strategies with a dash of humor. Because HR shouldn’t be thankless—and you shouldn’t be alone in it.
