I grew up in apartheid South Africa, and that meant that part of my education was that people of colour were less valuable. My family saw things differently, but some of these beliefs stick, even if just a little. Our families and the communities we grow up in teach us how to treat others and how to be treated. We learn about who gets valued over who or who is more important. Sometimes that information is about authority, class, or colour, and ultimately there is an internal default, fast ‘judgement’ about the overall value and importance of people in any given group that is hard-wired into our beliefs.

In my family, people with authority were most important, and the youngest were least important. We carry this internal value system around with us. In our societies and cultures, this is often reinforced, and sometimes we don’t even know we are doing this.

This internal system, which is often invisible, also affects how we feel about ourselves and our self-worth. We can often let this system define our value in any group.
Are men more important than women? Does leadership hierarchy define who has more value? Is it colour or class? These beliefs shape how we define and value ourselves.

There was a moment for me when this became real. I was in the middle of the Satir coaching and mentoring course, and one of the things we were tasked with being more aware of was our perceptions of others and the notion that we are all of equal value. I was sitting in a meeting with my colleagues and our CEO, and all of a sudden, I realised that I had ascribed more value to her than to myself. It was an unconscious thought, and I hadn’t even realised that this was a perception I was carrying around with me, that was filtering my beliefs and my behaviours.

I realised in that moment how much that perception impacted my behaviour and my willingness to advocate for myself or to placate authority. In that moment, I managed to shift the perception. What if everyone in this meeting is of equal value, Jo? What changes?

The answer was: everything.

Virginia Satir believed that everyone was of equal value and that all humans have value just because they are born. Not because of what they do, or where they come from, or how important they are or how much money they have or how hard they work. Just because they came into this world, they are a unique manifestation of a life force.

When my perception of my own value changed, I realised that I was accepting behaviours that didn’t fit for me. It wasn’t acceptable to be shouted at like I was a child. It wasn’t acceptable for a senior leader to be unable to regulate their own emotional system well enough to treat people with respect.

The shift I experienced in that moment was profound. I started to look at people differently. I started from the perspective that everyone is a unique and magical being, and that has changed how I interact and connect with others, but it has also changed how I interact and connect with myself.

I got in touch with my value and realised I was as valuable as anyone else. I have a sticky note on my laptop to remind me, “I am magic and so is everyone else.” 🙂

Once we can start to connect with ourselves as unique and valuable beings, our ability to be defined by external factors changes.

We can shift from connecting our value to our performance, success, status, looks, or any other external thing, and start connecting to our intrinsic value. The more this happens, the deeper our sense of worth becomes; it becomes a deep knowing from within. We are no longer allowing others to define us, but rather allowing ourselves to define ourselves.

When I started treating my own value as intrinsic rather than earned, I stopped accepting what wasn't acceptable. I stopped shrinking in places where I'd decided others mattered more, because they no longer did. The sticky note on my laptop sounds small. It isn't. It's a daily reminder that worth isn't something I need to perform my way into. I was born valuable. So were you. So was everyone else in the room with you.

The room exercise — think of the last meeting you were in. Who did you ascribe most value to? Least? What was that based on? Just notice, no judgement.

The more awareness you have, the more you can create choice for yourself and decide is that a perception or belief I want to change or not.

Before my first time facilitating this content, one of my mentors said something I've never forgotten. She said, "I won't love you any more if you do well" — and it was a magic reinforcement of Virginia's notion that my value is already there. Because I knew that also meant she wouldn't love me any less either.

As leaders, we are faced with the notion of people's worth that is often tied closely to performance. Organisations like to say they are people-centric, but that only lasts as long as people are performing.

People's performance might change for any number of reasons over the course of their lives. I bet you can think of a time in your career when you weren't performing at your best for whatever reason.

Performance and intrinsic value aren't related in a Satir world. Performance fluctuates for many reasons, but inherent and intrinsic value doesn't.

How does keeping that in mind change the performance conversation you might have with your best and worst performers?

South Africa

Resources For Change Foundations -It happened on 14 March, and it was great. Email if you want to be part of the next one, Joburg or Cape Town
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop - If you want to discover new possibilities for your communication or your team communication, get in touch.
Peace Within is a 6-day retreat in Kruger for those ready to author their lives, a space to pause, reconnect with themselves, and gently step into what’s next.
Next year, there will be another one in Kruger in May and one in Italy in September

USA
Leadership Development Workshop - Chapel Hill (NC): July 27 - 29 (Scholarships available)
Satir Intensive - I will apprentice at the Satir Intensive in Chapel Hill,17 - 23 July 2026 (scholarships available)

Online
Leadership Consulting Group - Online Starts Jan 2026 - We are still accepting new members.
Beneath the Surface Communication Workshop: Get in touch for you or your team.

Feel free to share this with those who would benefit.

❀ ❀ ❀

Until next time, with love and hugs